Bottom line is if you don't eat life, it will eat you.
As I move past one disappointment I have to deal with another. The disappointment of never knowing you. I’d like you to know that this was, by far, the hardest decision I have ever had to make. This goes beyond the fact that it wouldn’t be convenient. Life is never really convenient. And don’t think it’s because you aren’t good enough, I’m sure you are more than perfect. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks with you on my mind; the mere thought of you makes me fall in love, but this is a love that cannot be manifested. I feel it would be selfish of me to bring you to this place when I know that I am not capable of giving you everything I want to give you. I just think it’s better if we wait, I do hope that one day you will come back to me, or someone just as perfect as you. I do hope that you can forgive, and just know that I love you. I always will.
That phone call today»»> Because arguing with you is a reminder that you still care. I know that at any point in time you could just drop me, we have no ties to each other, no kids together, no reason for you to stay with me or me with you. The only possible conclusion is that there is love. You don’t have to call and argue with me, explain yourself, remind me that you love me, that you want forever with me. Even though some times I wish things were different, that this wasn’t the situation, this is how it was meant to be. I still have a lot of questions, and I’m still in a tough situation that I gotta deal with on my own, but I guess thats just how it has to be. I’m grown enough to accept it, and I pay no mind to these busy bitches trying to plant doubt in my head. I know what we have and at this point, I think that’s enough. Even though its crazy, its ours.
I don’t ask for much. I don’t need your diamonds, I got my own. I don’t need your money, im hustlin. I don’t need your house, I pay mine monthly. And I don’t need your car, gas ain’t cheap but im pushin. All I ever ask for is your heart. Your heart, to take it and place in my keepsake box right next to my own. So that which each simultaneous beat our love may flourish. I’d like some of your time, not much, but just enough to look at the clock and be reminded that we have forever. I do need all of your respect because I feel like hurting one another is really only hurting ourselves. I have to have your touch; it needs to be mine and only. I want you to give me all of your imperfections, because I love them the same way you love mine. I need your life, I wanna merge with you baby. I’ll let you be the driver but don’t forget that I got the map. I’m asking for all of you, the good and the bad, the poor and the rich, faults and strengths, ugly and beautiful.. just you. If I’m asking for too much then let me know, and I’ll let you go. But just know that you will forever be in my heart, tatted on my finger, and constantly on my mind.
I am on day three and all the progress I thought I made seems to have dwindled away. I keep staring at this 3 on my finger and I know that it represents our love. But still, I am not sure how to feel, some moments I hate you for putting me through this and others I feel like I should still keep fighting because I love you. But what I am realizing is that my love for you is not enough. If you don’t have the same love, respect, and loyalty that I do for you then this will never work. 3, Carson.. that is my life. You are my life, everything that I have ever dreamed of. Without you I don’t have the energy to breathe, eat, live at all. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing. But then I just look at my finger and try to remember. 3, Carson. But Carson, I can’t fight alone. I need you to fight with me. I am giving all that I have, and I will give until I have nothing else to give. Because I know what I want; 3, Carson, but do you want that too?
C’est la vie. Its day two and I’m still alive. I miss you like crazy but I know that this is for the best. I just wish you’d realize how you are being manipulated. Sometimes I feel like I put up with so much bullshit from you, and even though we aren’t together I still feel like I’m putting up with it. I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong in this whole situation so I don’t understand why I am always the one being punished. I feel like it’s unfair, but hey, life isn’t fair. C’est la vie. I wish I knew that you missed me the way I miss you, sometimes I feel like with everything going on you don’t even think about me. I wish that this wasn’t such an indefinite state between you and I. At this point, I don’t know right from left, okay from not okay, or even red from blue. I’m just confused, but life is confusing sometimes, there are gray areas; and this is one of them. C’est la vie. I can’t change the fact that I love you, nor do I want to. I can’t change the fact that this is what you feel you need to do right now. I can’t change the fact that I miss you, and hope that you miss me too. I can’t change the fact that I have this 3 on my finger, that it reminds me of everything that I want with you. It might be the only hope I have right now. I can’t change a lot of stuff, it is what it is right? Woman up and deal with it. C’est la vie.